I apologize for not writing back for so long. I have been extremely busy this past month, and I also have had some social dilemmas occur as well. Then there has been non-stop nights workign in a theater, as well as semester finals. I apologize for not writing back until now, when I am free.

Dating is sometimes a very difficult thing for autistic people to do. Many autistic people never even understand what it means to date. Some believe that you’re dating just when you hang out with a person of the opposite sex–even though many times, you’re actually just friends. Autistic individual Temple Grandin, in her book “Thinking in Pictures” has written that dating is so complex for some autistic individuals, including herself, that it is impossible for some to do. She also has written that she is so scared of messing up when dating that she has chosen to never date.

Then there are autistic people who understand what dating is, but don’t have the emotional feelings to date. Autism sometimes blocks the ability to love or have interest in dating. They sometimes, as a result, are “asexual”–meaning they have no interest in dating or sex. Or they may be interest in dating, but no interest in having sex.

You have mentioned that this problem started when you saw him every day. Starting to see someone daily can have that impact on someone. Sometimes people with autism have less energy to socialize, as you mentioned. Other times, however, they need their space, and it is difficult for them to hang out with someone daily. Maybe he could give physical affection when it was 3 times a week, but he’s not able to daily. He could need his space. I know that sometimes I hang out with my friends a lot, and they sometimes need their space.

The fact that he says he’s still happy in this relationship and that he’s fine means you probably shouldn’t worry. Even though there’s an old saying “A girl who says she’s fine is not,” most autistic people are truthful. When an autistic male says he’s fine, he probably is. Try giving him space, and be open about it. Ask him if he needs his space, and see what he says. See what happens. If you two want to keep this relationship, then try your best to communicate with each other. I can tell from your comment that the relationship is mutual.

As for being formal, acting formal is a way autistic people sometimes act instinctively. Because socializing is often difficult for autistic people, acting formal is often a way autistic people act when they don’t know what to behave. They think that by being formal, they know they will not socially mess up. He’ll probably become less formal when he is more relaxed.

Well, those are my ideas. I hope your relationship works out well.

I am so grateful to have come across your website! For the past 6 months I have been in a relationship with a boy who has autism and since we’ve been dating it has been wonderful, but extremely difficult. We are both in college (he’s 19 and I’m one year older) and to better understand him, I have gone online and found a plethora of information about autism. It has helped me understand him tremendously.
It also helps that we’ve known each other since we were in grade school, so I’ve always known about his autism.
However, I’ve come up empty handed when trying to find information specificly on relationships between non-autistic and autistic people.

So I have a few questions for you which I hope you may have an answer to:
For the first few months of the relationship, I saw him only at night, and probably at most 3 times a week. He was always full of energy and completely loving – hugging, kissing, and he has no problem with physical affection.
Now it has lessened. Since it is winter vacation and we are home from college, we have seen each other almost every day (and night) and suddenly, I feel like he’s always tired and wanting to take naps. The physical affection has lessened. Sometimes he will just talk in monotone for an hour and not touch me at all, making it seem as if he weren’t interested in me… and then the next moment he’ll surprise me by wanting to hug or hold hands. Is this a sign of becoming “comfortable” with our relationship, or does this mean it’s falling apart?
I also heard that people with autism have less energy than other people, and therefore simple social interactions, like being around your girlfriend all day and all night, can take a toll on their emotions. Is that why he is becomes stone-like and cold after I’ve spent all day with him?

He’s completely honest with me, which I love, but sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe him when he says “Of course I’m still happy in this relationship”, because I don’t see the happiness in his face! So I always feel as if something is wrong and he constantly has to remind me that he’s fine.
Frankly, it has been very difficult because I don’t know how to act around him sometimes. Should i just give him space? I still believe that he cares about me, but he rarely shows it anymore, and when he wants to hang out, he asks me in a formal manner as if I were a mere aquaintance.
We have quite a lot in common, but at the same time, we are very different emotionally. And sometimes it’s downright frustrating.

Do you have any advice? I really do love him, but I don’t know how to show it. And I don’t know how people with autism express love, or how to reciprocate.

I apologize for the long comment. I just haven’t found any other websites that would help me better understand him… and I don’t want to change him. I just want to know what is going on in his mind, which would then ease my frustration.
Thanks so much!

I wrote a reply for your response, yet for some reason my blog didn’t post it. I apologize for the delay.

I have an essay I have written discussing the nature of meltdowns, in my opinion, at this URL: http://www.jamesmw.com/meltdown.htm

Titled “A Neurotypical Meltdown,” this essay covers the nature of meltdowns by example–of a girl who is not autistic, yet melted down went put in a stressful situation.

James

cheers, Preform.

There’s no denying tantrums are difficult. I myself at that age threw many tantrums myself, and would refuse to socialize with most people.

One thing, however, that needs to be reminded is that unlike typical children, most tantrums that occur with an autistic person are not based on being a “spoiled” brat or merely trying to get attention. Also, many times, when they say “no” to you or have a tantrum, they’re refusing to do something that typically hurts them or causes them phyiscal distress, or they just don’t understand why they have to do it (and not understanding why you have to do something is sometimes very stressful for autistic people).

The solution toward resolving tantrums is to try your best, when the next tantrum comes, to try to figure out what happened beforehand to cause the tantrum. Typically tantrums don’t come out of the blue with autistic children–they only seem to be that way if you don’t know what caused them in the first place. Hitting and scratching occurs often because the child, desperate to get what he needs or to get out of something miserable, hopes that by engaging in such violent activities he’ll get out of what’s bothering him, or he’ll be able to communicate to you something he needs to communicate.

What is your child’s verbal ability? Can he talk normally, or is he nonverbal? If he is nonverbal, then he may be engaging in tantrums because that’s one of the sole ways he’s able to communicate his needs. When you cannot talk, after all, or have impaired speech, you have to rely on other ways of communicating to get what you need. Sometimes that communication also involves engaging in violent acts.

What is your child’s ability on understanding language? Sometimes a person can be nonverbal yet still understand other people’s language. If he can understand what you are saying, and/or can talk, try to talk to him. Explain to him that even though he may be sad and can cry and pout all he wants, it is not right for him to hit and scratch you, because it hurts.

However, if he cannot understand what you are saying, then you need to go about it differently. Since he’s likely not going to be able to stop hitting you, your best bet is to try to see what is compelling him to hit you and scratch you, and to find out what is upsetting him. That way you can try your best to eliminate as many possible situations that upset him as possible. This is not an easy task at times, I must admit, and there are times when he’s going to have to do things that upset him. In that case, you might just want to put on protective gear. I have seen autistic kids who have gloves on or sportswear typically worn by athletes to protect them and others from their violent acts. Sometimes kids wear helmets. If he truly cannot be controlled, and he’s hurting you, by forcing him to put on gloves, mitts, or hand protectors, you can ease the discomfort you might be feeling when he hits and scratches.

Those are my suggestions. They may not work, but this is what I have to say. You can write back with more information if you want to.

As for speaking in Michigan–no, I currently do not have any more michigan engagements planned. I basically go where agencies ask me to go. However, if you want me to come back to michigan, here’s how you’d do that:

1. Find a local agency or place where you can hold the lecture, such as a school, church, or library. You could also hold it in a person’s house if necessary.

2. E-mail me the location, time, and date you want me to lecture. Then, pay my speaking fee and travel expenses. I charge $100 for speaking, plus I ask that my travel expenses are reimbursed (travel, hotel). However, I do not ask, or take food reimbursements.

3. I will need to get to whatever location via a nearby train or bus stop, and to be picked up and taken to and from the speaking location from the bus stop, and then to the hotel. If, however, public transportation is available in the area, I will take that on my own.

4. I may need to stay overnight if I travel to Michigan. Therefore, I will either need to stay in a resident’s home, or at a hotel. If I am staying in a hotel, I ask to be reimbursed for it.

That is how I can be requested or return to Michigan to lecture.